True Worship

It had been years since I had stepped foot in a church. It was September 2016 at St. Dorothy parish in Glendora. I went to Mass. Worship was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to be around people that were bettering themselves. I wanted to grow. I wasn't thinking about God. Still, I had felt a pull. I remember being moved by the Gospel and homily, as if they were for me alone. Hesitant, I walked to the worship leader Josh after Mass. I had known him from years back when I was a volunteer in youth ministry. Two lifetimes ago. With a big smile and hug Josh welcomed me. I always knew him as someone remarkably authentic. He hadn't changed, and I wanted to be like that. I knew I had no idea what love was, how to do it. I wanted to learn how to love genuinely. Not fake it. I asked Josh if there was a group with people my age. He said there wasn't but he knew I played music and I could join the worship band. I had no desire to worship. I was in a band and burnt out on playing shows/recording an album. I was ready to quit music. I looked over at a group of 12+ musicians and singers and said "Josh, I think there are enough people in the band." He laughed and agreed. He asked me if I'd like to volunteer for the youth group. I sighed. I didn't want to volunteer. I didn't want to lead anything. I was too old for the youth group. I wanted to learn how to love well! I was terrible at it! "Ok," I said. He pointed me to a guy named Patrick who told me to head to the hall to find Tommy. I found Tommy and sat down to witness a skit, worship music and a talk. Youth group hadn't changed much since I was in high school.

That was the beginning of a year of renewal in my life. Long story short, God showed me how to love others rapidly. I re-learned how to understand and honor teenagers and senior citizens (the bulk of the age groups in many Catholic churches these days). I learned so much about being present. About listening. About silence. In fact I ended up pretty much quitting music save for the times Josh reeled me in to play bass for retreats. I learned the joy of giving to others. Those guys Tommy and especially Patrick became great friends. I wanted to stay there forever. God knew there was more.

Patrick and I met Keith and Iwona Major. They told us about Stone To Flesh and we wondered if we should join. After much discerning about discernment, we decided to join Stone to Flesh School of the Heart year one. During our first evening for the school, I was in a group prayer with leaders and what I experienced was uncomfortable. It was prayer and worship...out loud. Literally a group of less than 10 people praying and singing to God. Not an official worship night or Mass with music (which I found acceptable). Not intercession for another person out loud (which I had done a few times in a small group on retreat and loved but reserved for special occasions). This was singing and praying out loud...at the same time! And it wasn't to console another person. It wasn't on a stage. It was spontaneous. This was all prayer straight to GOD. There was a disconnect for me and I felt like I immediately didn't belong. The whole rest of the night was warfare. I couldn't understand why. Why is this type of prayer jarring? Why do I want to run from these people? Does it all seem fake? I wanted to not deal with it any more. It wasn't what I was used to. I loved silence alone with God and talking with people. Talking with God in front of people was weird. At the end of the night I packed up and was heading outside when a guy I had recently met stopped me and asked to pray with friends. His name was Deacon Spencer (Father Spencer now). He asked if I'd like to spend time in silence. I wanted to leave. "Ok," I said. And so we were silent. For 30+ minutes. And all of the tension and chaos in me dissipated. I received God's presence. I knew that whatever was driving me away from these people was nothing good. They were vulnerably worshiping God. I was running from something. It was fear-based. I knew I needed to run toward uncomfortability and explore it. I stayed on for the year.

Since then I see that God put me through seasons. I needed to learn how to truly love people when I first came to church. And in that Stone To Flesh year I learned how to truly love God. I can tell you all about how amazing School of the Heart is and what it did for me but just learning to worship for a season is worth telling. That 1st year I found that to worship Him is more than music, more than silence, more than being present with people, more than bettering myself. It happens in all these settings of course, but anyone can as well do those things and not even believe in God. I could have gone the route of simply being mindful. I could have emptied myself in silence yet never received His presence. I could have been a good listener and kind to others and never known God. I could have even joined the worship band and not known how to truly worship. So what is true worship? In my experience it's Him in me saying "Ok" to the pull that I didn't feel comfortable doing. Having the posture of obedience. Which He prefers right? Another term is surrender. You could also throw docility in there. It's when I love Him with all, despite me. It's my heart saying He is first over all.

Now I'm a full-time missionary for Stone To Flesh and I'm constantly pulled daily to worship in all types of ways. I'm blessed enough to do it with music (yes I finally stopped quitting music thanks to Iwona and especially God) and I'm blessed to do it right now through writing this. And yes it can still be very hard to say yes to Him. I can still be stubborn and resist. He gives a lot of grace. So thanks God. Please keep pulling me as I pray out loud right now.

Vincent Munoz is a graduate of year 1 School of the Heart and now serves Stone to Flesh as a Full-time Missionary. He is also the Music Director for Stone to Flesh and plays at PIHOP regularly as a worship leader. Find out more about Vincent here.